I'm afraid I have some very grim news.

Earlier today my niece texted me saying she had something VERY important to discuss with me. So when I got home and she was off from school, I called her very worried. Turns out her and two of her friends bought tickets to see the 8 PM showing of "Justin Beiber: Forever and Forever" tonight. Problem is they're seeing it at the Mall of America and the mall has a strict curfew. Nobody under the age of 14 can be in the mall without adult supervision after 6 PM. So with desperation in her voice, she pleaded with me to take her and her friends to the movie.

I asked her why her parents couldn't take them ("My mom is sick and my dad has to watch my brother.") I asked her why her friend's parents couldn't take them ("Eliza's brother has a hockey game and Natasha's parents are out of town and that's why she's sleeping over.") I was at the point of telling her to chalk it up as a learning experience when she started crying. "I spent three weeks of my allowance to get my ticket because it's in 3D and it's expensive and I really want to go with my friends. Oh please Jake, please please please?"

And now I know what the tenth Doctor felt like when he realized stupid Benard Shaw has locked himself in that glass booth and was about to die if the Doctor didn't take his place. There really was nothing I can do except the right thing. So tonight I'm going to have to endure 'Beiber Fever' in a theater full of screaming emotional teenage girls.

I honestly don't know what's going to happen to me. I could lapse into a coma, go insane, or possibly worse. But before I meet my end, I just wanted to let everyone know what a genuine honor and privledge it's been being friends with you all. There's not a single rotten apple in the group (Tony is more of a banana, but bananas are good too!) and if I only have one regret, it's that I probably won't live long enough to find out what was in Frank's pants. It would have put my mind at ease a little. Thanks a lot, Mike!

And so I'm off to face what could be my biggest challenge. And if I could make another tenth Doctor anology, I also know exactly what he felt like before he regenerated; standing alone in the TARDIS in fear with a tear rolling down his cheek before weakly speaking out his final words: "I don't want to go."

Yeah, that's pretty much me.

I seem to avoid even the knowledge of stuff like this. I know there's somebody named Justin Beiber and that he's some kind of teen sensation but that's about it.
I don't know why he's so annoying or what his schtick is. I am, though, familiar with having to attend things that I'd prefer not to. So for that, you have my condolences.

You scared me with your subject, though. I thought there was really something wrong, you goof!

You live in a better world than I do, Matt. I envy you.

lucky dog. i want to see Justin Beiber

-josh

Be strong, you can do it, & dont ever let them see you cry. I lived through david Cassidy, New Kids on the Block, & The Backstreet Boys. You might not ever be the same but you can do it. oh...its time for my thousand yard stare.

"Go Banana!" -Ralph Wiggum

Jake - you're too good at scaring sensitives like me and Matt. And you're too good to your niece.

Not even liquor can save you, since you're obviously going to be driving minors afterwards.

Even so, I tried looking up "Justin Bieber drinking game" to try and help you out. But then I got distracted by a link on the page: "Hot Girls with Hulk Hands." And after that, there was a link to another distraction: "The Best of Hipster Little Mermaid."

And now my cat is sad that she's not going to see the Bieber movie tonight.

All of this has been a true story.

Is there any way you can see a different movie that ends minutes before their movie ends, while they're in the theatre? Does the joint have an arcade? Or is your only recourse to force yourself to catch Bieber-fever, just for the one night, to help you survive? Good luck, man!

Good luck man...good luck...

... I wrote a post and it's gone. Maybe because I said a naughty word for "poo" in it. Ah well.

Be careful, man!

I just got home.

Words can't begin to express what I'm feeling.

I'm in pain. Lots and lots of pain.

Sure, seeing my niece have a great time and telling me I'm the best uncle in the world and she loves me.... that helps. I'm glad she and her friends enjoyed themselves. She's a good kid. She deserves to have a good time.

But right now I just want to crouch down in the shower and curl myself into a ball while I sob uncontrollably.

Thank you all for your condolences. It really helped me out during this difficult time.

Go relax, fellah.

I'd watch a comfortable movie. I recommend "Jaws".

Nothin' like "Sleepytime Tea" and seeing Robert Shaw harassing Richard Dreyfuss. Hee hee...